My White Soul Sister

Before I even became remotely addicted to watching Chelsea Lately, I read "My Horizontal Life," Chelsea Handler's first memoir, and felt so much better about my dating life and history with men, I started to weep like a widow at her dead husband's funeral (after finding out he's left everything he had to his brother, Carl, from Minneapolis.) (Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic. Still, I cried.)

I cried because it made me laugh so hard, tears sprang to my eyes, and surprisingly, I didn't laugh so hard I peed in my pants, because considering my caffeine intake for the day surpasses my body weight, it coulda happened, people.

Chelsea Handler probably helped me get through when I was cooped up inside my Mom's house for weeks on end after I was hospitalized this past year after having surgery. She would make me crack up, hysterically, and I'd forget any of the worries I had, at least while she made fun of Lindsay Lohan's kaslahpas.

But what really struck a nerve with me was when she declared on national television that she only had one fully functioning ovary.

Holy shit, I thought. This crazy bitch really IS my white soul sister.

Not only do we both say incredibly inappropriate things at all the wrong moments, not only do we both criticize celebrities, our coworkers, ex-boyfriends, and family members openly and unabashedly, sprinkling in hearty helpings of the "f" word every now and then, not only do we both love midgets and Belvedere Vodka and counting calories and Hot Pockets, and not only do we talk about things like camel toes in front of anyone who will listen, we also both are...are you ready for this, people?

Reproductively challenged.

So to all the bitches out there who whisper behind my back and wonder if I'll ever have a kid; or be able to, for that matter; to all the bitches who whisper behind my back because I'm a loud-mouth, opinionated single woman with only one ovary, this is what I have to say to you, ladies.

If Chelsea Handler can make it, so can I.

Although the only small person I may be able to adopt, or mother, for that matter, is Chuy Bravo's younger brother. And who knows if he's a midget? But hey, I always wanted a vacation in the Mexican Riviera, so at this point? Who cares.

I'm looking forward to the release of Chelsea Handler's newest book, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, which will be available at Barnes and Noble retailers nationwide, Amazon.com, and Borders Books and Music in March. Also, stay posted for Chelsea's Book Tour, which will be in a city near you. Hopefully I can get tickets to the Phoenix or Las Vegas shows. I have to show my white soul sister that she has my full support. And trust me, girl, when you talk as much shit as YOU do? You need a Mexican girl like me on your side.