Dear Megan Fox...

Dear Megan Fox,

I heard today that you went on record saying you've only had two sexual partners in your life. Look, girl. I want to go on record saying that I am all about people learning to mind their own f*#@*%g business, okay? So I'm not trying to get all Mitt Romney on your ass, and start judging you for the things you do behind closed doors. You wanna partake in big wild orgies? Hey, be my guest, sweetie. I for one am not a conservative, I'm not even a big fan of single strands of pearls, or the Ralph Lauren clothing section at Macy's, or Brooks Brother's suits.

Back to my original point, Megan Fox. And I do have one, by the way. I think you're a pretty girl, so I won't take that away from you. Thank God you're pretty, because you're not all that smart. So why on earth would you feel compelled to lie to the press about how many people you've slept with? Why even bring it up at all? Who's business is it anyway? Secondly, when one of them happens to be Brian Austin Green, the only two people in America you're really making jealous, are me, and his baby's mama, Vanessa Marcil, because I've had a major crush on David Silver since 90210 when he was anxiously awaiting the day when Donna would let him pop her cherry. Evidently, you've been pulling the same shit with him. What's up with Brian Austin and these pseudo-virgins? Just give it to him already. I mean, if I had lived in 90210 instead of this bullshit 85273 poor excuse for a hometown my parents raised us in, I wouldn't have been the last American virgin in high school, that's for sure. Brian Austin, you and I would have been the toast of Beverly Hills.

I also have to say to you, before I end this note, that I think it's tragic that you feel compelled to lie about your "number" but that you're not admitting to being a lesbian. Look, I'm 100% about the men, I love men and all the complications and drama that comes with them. So I happen to be a straight woman. But I have plenty of gay friends, and I appreciate and support their lifestyle and choices.

That being said, there's nothing I hate more than gays and lesbians who are so afraid to come out of the closet that they stay in there like a Prada jacket from three seasons ago. Come out, already, before the moths start to eat you. (Literally, and figuratively.)

Megan, there's a reason you've only admitted to 2 sexual partners, honey. It's because the rest of them? Were women.

Miss Fox, come out, come out, wherever you are!

Sincerely,

LC