What Not To Wear, Church Edition

Considering I’m a bit of a fallen away Catholic, it should not have surprised me when I walked into the church I grew up going to every Sunday as a kid, on Christmas Eve, and nearly every head in the back of the church turned to stare at me.

Was the ceiling about to cave in? You would have thought I was a big harlot who just sashayed through through the front door of the Vatican. Just because I haven’t been to Mass in a really long time doesn’t mean everyone needs to judge me. Does it?

“Who is she judging,” I whispered to my brother about one of the girls who was staring me down. “That bitch was like, the village bicycle in high school. Everybody took turns riding her. Now she’s a born again Catholic? What the hell.”

“I think it’s because they haven’t seen you in a long time,” he said. “By the way, you probably shouldn’t call people sluts in church. Jesus doesn’t like that very much.”

As I took off my coat, I began to wonder if the dress I was wearing was too clingy, too short, too curve hugging.

“What makes you feel like that?” my teenage niece Angela whispered to me halfway through church, after I asked her if I looked like a whore.

“Because there’s a guy three rows back who is staring at me, and he hasn’t stopped since we sat down.”

“He's staring at your butt!” Angela said, laughing. “Your dress is not too short. It’s very classy."

When we went home, my brother, sister-in-law, my niece and I, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe my dress was, in fact, inappropriate for church. So I stood in front of the full-length mirrors in my Mom’s house and stared at myself. No, I was still pretty much fabulous.

I got to thinking about all the fashion faux pas I saw in that church service. There was an abundance of women who wore all the wrong things, especially in a church.

In the spirit of Christmas, because I’m so generous, I’m GIVING you all some pointers on making your wardrobe church appropriate.

1. The girl in church who wore knee high boots? Yeah, those are cute, they’re definitely in style, especially in the cold weather. But try not to pair them with a skirt that is actually a TUBE TOP, because you weigh over 180 lbs, and the cottage cheese spilling out the bottom and top of your skirt? Is so not something I EVER want to see again, especially in the house of the Lord.

2. The woman who is 65 years old (I know, because you’re older than my own mother is) should probably get a reality check. You are no longer a teenage girl. Therefore, it’s not a good idea to wear Disney character baby tees with denim skirts and Vans sneakers to church. And shorten the length of your nails. I mean, how do you even wipe your own ass? The priest may be nice enough not to judge you, but God sees everything, honey. He may love you just the same, but even He wouldn’t like your outfit.

3. The girl who stared at me when I walked in the door, a.k.a., the village bicycle? Just because you’re skinny from all the coke you’ve snorted through the last decade, doesn’t entitle you to wear that outfit. Your pants were in style. In 2002. Rocket Dog sandals? I wore those in 2000 around ASU. No self-respecting girl should be caught dead in them now. 4 inches of foam on your feet, in winter, at CHURCH? Girl. You must be on drugs. And P.S.--nobody wants to see your bra straps hanging out, especially the priest.

Some ideas for church appropriate outfits? Just look at this photo of the ladies of Lipstick Jungle for inspiration. Jazz up a simple shift dress with pearls or pretty accessories, and you’ll be a big hit in church. Yes, Catholics believe in forgiving everybody and everything, (why do you think most of the Mafia is Catholic?) but I think they draw the line when you look like a dime store hooker during the church services. Jesus created your boobs, but He doesn’t need to see them on full display during the Mass.

I think I will forward this on to the Pope.
I feel like he would be proud of me for making this public service announcement.
After all, even the Pope wears Prada loafers.