Dear Gwyneth, It's Me, LC

Dear Gwyneth,

I'll be the first to admit, I've never been a huge fan. So this is not a fan letter. Relax, I'm sure you get tons of those, don't get your panties in a ruffle. This is a letter, instead, to commend you on your rockin hot bod.

As a woman who tries to stay active and healthy and work out as much as possible, I know how hard it is to stay committed to that lifestyle, and trust me, I fall off the bandwagon more than Lindsay Lohan after a stint at rehab. I can somehow eat miniscule meals tiny enough to satisfy a starving Somalian orphan, but if you throw a cheesecake or a dish of gelato in front of me, I suddenly morph into Kirstie Alley, and it's hello, fat camp, and goodbye, willpower.

That being said, I will admit to eating a Krispy Kreme when I have PMS; (yes, assholes, I only ate ONE fucking donut from the box. Not the other 11, okay?) and I will also devour Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (OMG! Better than sex!) (At least with most men) if you hand them over to me. But I will also run my ass off on the treadmill like Jillian Michaels on The Biggest Loser AFTER she's downed 3 Red Bulls.

Even with all this commitment going on in my world, (at least, when it comes to fitness) I will always have curves. I will always be the girl for whom songs like "U and Dat" by E-40 and "Baby Got Back" were written for; I will eternally cry in the fitting room when my jeans slide right up until the mid-point of my ass, where all 42 inches fail to fit within the confines of those jeans. Kim Kardashian may have paid for her ass, mine came free of charge, courtesy of God.

You don't seem to have those issues. Your macrobiotic diet probably helps. Yay, you! for being so committed to that diet, it must be hard to pass up things like Cheesecake Factory cheesecake or Double Stuff Oreos and eat food that's only cooked below 60 degrees. Sometimes, I really do crave a piece of meat that looks like it might up and walk off my plate, because it's still medium rare, and I'm happy to eat it. But if I had a body like yours, I suppose I might think twice.

The point is, despite your frail thin figure and the fact that you have not a trace of cellulite on your body, I still think you look absolutely fab, dahhhling...and you need to know it. Girls don't commend each other on their looks often enough in this world, so big ups to you for your diet discipline, and rockin this jumpsuit, ever the style this Fall season.

One would never be able to tell that you've ever given birth to Apple and Moses. I'm sure Chris Martin is all Gwyn, and no Coldplay as soon as he sets foot in your door and sees you in outfits like this get-up. You look great.

Can't wait to see you in your next semi-forgettable movie role.

Sincerely,

LC

P.S.--I get the rationale behind your son's name. Parting the Red Sea is a big freakin deal. But Apple? How come? Is it because that's all you can eat on the macrobiotic diet? Please get back to me on this one. I'll share the info with US Weekly for you. Thanks, doll. ;)