Thursday, December 31, 2009

Should Old Aquaintances be Forgot...



Although I'm spending New Year's Eve at home, in bed, in my pajamas, by myself...
While my own real-life Mr. Big (at least, the Mr. Big of the moment) is texting me, because he's at home, in bed, in pajamas, by himself...
I can't help but wonder...
Will I get my shit together in 2010?

At any rate, I know I will ring in the New Year being thankful for family, love, health, happy days, and good friends.

And anything else that comes my way...
Well, that's just fabulous.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

LC's Glam Squad


At the risk of sounding like a self-important, conceited bitch (but what the hell, this is MY blog, after all) people ask me everywhere I go, “Who does your hair?”

I admit to spending a great deal of time and money on the beautification of Lorraine. I wish I could say I am one of those women who gets their hair cut every six months at Supercuts and just doesn’t give a shit (okay, I DON’T EVER want to be one of those women, who am I kidding?) But if I could find a way to write off “hair expenses” and “beauty treatments” on my income taxes, trust me, I would.

Barack Obama, by the way, this is something to look into. Pretty sure Michelle is not getting her hair done by just any random Joe at a cheap, back alley salon specializing in cornrows and weaves. Let’s make one category to itemize expenses for salon visits. Stimulating the economy, one hair appointment at a time. Barack Obama, you said it yourself, honey, it’s time for change.

These are the people who keep me looking and feeling like a million bucks, otherwise known affectionately as my 'glam squad.'

My List of the Crème de la Crème when it comes to BEAUTY PROFESSIONALS:

For Amazing Hair (if I became a celebrity tomorrow, I would hire him to be like Ken Paves, Eva Longoria’s hairdresser, who travels from movie set to movie set doing her hair. Yes, he’s that amazing):
Lethan Olvera
Toni & Guy Salon San Tan Village
2200 East Williams Field Road, Suite 119
Gilbert, AZ 85295
(480) 812-1955

For Incredible Color (only she could take me from Salma Hayek brunette to Jessica Alba honey blonde in a matter of months with no damage to my hair):
Dani Craig
Toni & Guy Salon San Tan Village
2200 East Williams Field Road, Suite 119
Gilbert, AZ 85295
(480) 812-1955

For a fantastic haircut, and the best blowout of your life (he worked for Dolce Salon for years, and he’s not only talented, but a total sweetheart):
Brent Poarch
Sheila’s, Globe, Arizona
(Message me for the number)

For the best waxes, facials, and a great selection of skin care products:
Fuschia
Val Vista & Baseline at Dana Park Village
480-813-7465
1854 S Val Vista Dr # 108, Mesa, AZ

For a great spray tan, or tanning packages that are reasonable, and a fabulous staff of tanning pro’s:
Sunchain Tanning
Power & Baseline
(480) 654-1220

For a fantastic manicure or new set of nails, treat yourself at Addicted to Nails. Ask for Sheera, she’s not only professional, but she’s the friendliest and sweetest person and one inspiring lady.
950 East Pecos Road
Chandler, AZ 85225-2401
(480) 753-3920
www.addictedtonails.com


Visit all these salons and professionals today, and tell 'em LC sent you. You might not be able to write off the expenses on your taxes, but there's no price you can put on looking and feeling fabulous.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Domestic Tranquility


I heard on the news today that someone bought a lottery ticket in Queen Creek that has not been claimed, and they WON the lottery.

I keep racking my brain, trying to remember if I perhaps have purchased lottery tickets in that neighborhood, but maybe was intoxicated at that moment in time, and just don't recall buying one. Because that? Would be my wildest dream come true, especially at the moment.

Please, God, send me some money, so I can pay down my debts and move into my own house again. I don't ask for much in this life (okay, who am I kidding, sometimes I do) but I have overstayed my welcome at my Mom's. There is a reason you don't go from living on your own (since the age of 18) to moving back in with Mom in your twenties. You will drive yourself insane, and take everyone else along for the ride.

But when I do move out of here (I know, I'm making it sound like a prison sentence, and my parents have been so amazing to let me live here and save money)(which, thanks to my penchant for shopping, I haven't done a very good job of) I know I want my bedroom to look something like this, or at least be inspired by this.

Domestic Bliss is the boutique to go to if you want your room to look like this, too.

And all we can ALL do is pray for a little bit of bliss in our worlds this new year.

P.S.--If any of my friends in cyberspace happen to be the ones who bought that lucky lottery ticket, kick me down some cash, honey. This little lady needs a place to call her own.

Domestic Bliss is located at:
www.domesticblissdesign.com
116 W. Main #114
Mesa, AZ 85210

Monday, December 28, 2009

Happy Birthday, Dear Coco Chanel...


Happy 1st Birthday, Coco Chanel!
I never thought I'd become one of those crazy pet owners who treats their puppy like a baby and spoils her this much, but you settled in to our home just like you'd lived there forever.
You are a diva, a sweetheart, loveable, friendly, and sassy.
If a dog could take on only the best parts of their owners, you'd be living proof.


Love you Coco!

P.S.--Why did we name you Coco Chanel? Because I knew Coco herself would think you were just the most gorgeous thing to come around since quilted handbags.

A Charlie Sheen Christmas


Charlie Sheen? I am shaking my head right now in total disappointment. Although it really doesn't come as much of a surprise.

I feel sorry for Brooke, your wife, because she just had your babies and all, but I have to say a resounding 'I told you so' to the poor woman.

When you marry a guy who has a history of hiring as many prostitutes as Charlie's had, the red flags should have gone off three hundred thousand times before you walked down the aisle. Does it come as a huge shock that he's chasing you through the house with a steak knife?

I'm sure this douchebucket will get off the hook with a slap on the hands, and will not do any harsh time or pay fines he can't afford (since he, and his family, still have more money than God.) Knowing how I feel about domestic violence and abuse, I think everyone knows what I'm thinking.

Charlie, you want to pull out knives? You're lucky I'm not Brooke's sister.

Because right now? I've got two words for you, doll.

Lorena Bobbitt.

If I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open, and a hand over my crotch.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Creme de la Creme of Hairdressers


So, I started the blog Dreaming in Dior because I wanted to write about fashion, shopping, celebrities, beauty products, stores, services, restaurants, and all the best places to shop or get pampered.

Initially, I started my blog because I was mistreated at a local salon, Dolce Salon and Spa, at the front desk. The girls who were working there were totally hateful every time I’d go in the salon. They once lost my cashmere cardigan that I had bought at Bloomingdales, and didn’t even apologize. In fact, they looked almost happy that they had misplaced it.

And although I was getting exceptional service and quality hair cuts and color from their stylists, the fact that anybody could be so hateful and abrasive to clients in a customer service oriented business baffled me. Especially in these troubled economic times, superior customer service is not only a standard, it’s a necessity.

I used to get my hair done in my early twenties (which, yes, my friends, I am now in my late twenties) by a male hairdresser named Lethan. I absolutely loved every time he’d do my hair. My aunt would tell me my hair looked like “soap opera” hair, because I looked like a woman from the soaps.

Time passed, and I’ll admit, in my early twenties, monogamy was not something I was known for. I was NOT the girl to date if you wanted a serious relationship, because I probably would’ve gotten bored with you and sabotaged the relationship intentionally (or maybe not so intentionally.) I was not the girl who stayed with one boyfriend for months, or years. I wanted to be free, and that included my choices with just about everything: even my hairdressers.

I was not faithful to one hairdresser. I tried them all. I probably have visited every notable salon in the Phoenix metropolitan area; I even had my hair done by a fantastic hairdresser in Globe, a man who used to work for Dolce, in fact. Still, I was not committed to one stylist.

"You're like, a salon whore," April told me one day. For some reason, this pulled at my heartstrings. It was time to settle my ass down. No more salon hopping for me.

In a few days, I will turn 28 years old. I realize this is still relatively young; but I also know that in the past few years, I have changed. I’m no longer like the girl I was in my early twenties. Now that I know what works for me, I’m willing to be more devoted to products, stores, brands of jeans, but most importantly…hairdressers.

In July, I ran into Lethan again at his salon, Toni and Guy in Gilbert, Arizona, at San Tan Village. I was there with April for her hair appointment, and he asked if I’d be his hair model. When this guy offers to do your hair, you don’t say no. He’s just that good.

I was his hair model, and after that, I continued to visit him, faithfully, every six weeks. And every time, my hair looked amazing. Every minute of your hair appointment is blissful, beginning with the shampoo bowl (when he shampoos and conditions my hair, I seriously think my eyes roll back in my head.) (And for the record, that doesn’t happen very often to me. Which doesn’t say a whole lot for the guys I’ve dated.) He already knows what to do with my hair before I even say a word. He listens, and is conscientious, and he makes an effort to be personable and congenial with everyone who walks through the door, and especially with his own clients.

“HE looks like HE could be on a soap opera, he’s so damn cute,” my adorable Aunt told me one day.

And while he is, in fact, easy on the eyes, he’s also a class act. He’s funny, considerate, and treats his staff well, and as a beauty connoisseur, I must say, that quality is a hallmark of any successful store or salon. Just like you can tell a lot about a guy based on how he treats his mom or his sisters, you can tell a lot about a salon based on how the person in charge treats their employees.

“You have a blog?” he asked me. “Why haven’t you written about ME?” he joked the last time I was in the salon.

I guess I hadn’t really thought about it, which is ironic, since I started my blog with the intention of highlight ONLY the crème de la crème, and since I have not only discriminating taste but impeccable taste…I can guarantee you that Lethan really is the crème de la crème.

From the haircut you will receive, to the customer service, you’ll be impressed, time and time again.

And if you’re like the flaky, inconsistent girl I was in my early twenties, you might just become monogamous with one hairdresser from here on out.

You might not be committed to your boyfriends, but after your first appointment with Lethan, you’ll be faithful to your hairdresser.

P.S.--Adam Sandler in The Zohan (see photo above) is not nearly as cute as my hairdresser. See for yourself, make an appointment today. Tell them Lorraine sent you.

To make an appointment today, call (480) 812-1955. Toni & Guy is located at San Tan Village in Gilbert, right across from Forever 21. The staff is incredible, and the salon is full of energy. You can thank me later. ;)

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Wishes from LC



"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given. He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." --Isaiah 9:6

On my absolute favorite holiday of the year...
Thank you God for these GIFTS you've blessed me with...

The gift of my health; for keeping me alive and allowing me another year of life when mine could have easily been taken this year...

The gift of my friendships; for sending the most incredible people into my life...

The gift of my family; for their support, encouragement, and constant love...

For the gift of my Mom; who always made sure I looked adorable on Christmas and always made the holidays super special for all of us...

For the gift of my Dad; who always puts his kids needs before his own...

The gift of LOVE...all the LOVE surrounding me makes the holidays, and everyday, so much more amazing.

The gifts we wrap in paper and bows and ribbons don't hold a candle to the people you've so generously given to me.


"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exists, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy."
(From an editorial in the New York Sun, 1897, responding to a letter from 8-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

What Not To Wear, Church Edition


Considering I’m a bit of a fallen away Catholic, it should not have surprised me when I walked into the church I grew up going to every Sunday as a kid, on Christmas Eve, and nearly every head in the back of the church turned to stare at me.

Was the ceiling about to cave in? You would have thought I was a big harlot who just sashayed through through the front door of the Vatican. Just because I haven’t been to Mass in a really long time doesn’t mean everyone needs to judge me. Does it?

“Who is she judging,” I whispered to my brother about one of the girls who was staring me down. “That bitch was like, the village bicycle in high school. Everybody took turns riding her. Now she’s a born again Catholic? What the hell.”

“I think it’s because they haven’t seen you in a long time,” he said. “By the way, you probably shouldn’t call people sluts in church. Jesus doesn’t like that very much.”

As I took off my coat, I began to wonder if the dress I was wearing was too clingy, too short, too curve hugging.

“What makes you feel like that?” my teenage niece Angela whispered to me halfway through church, after I asked her if I looked like a whore.

“Because there’s a guy three rows back who is staring at me, and he hasn’t stopped since we sat down.”

“He's staring at your butt!” Angela said, laughing. “Your dress is not too short. It’s very classy."

When we went home, my brother, sister-in-law, my niece and I, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe my dress was, in fact, inappropriate for church. So I stood in front of the full-length mirrors in my Mom’s house and stared at myself. No, I was still pretty much fabulous.

I got to thinking about all the fashion faux pas I saw in that church service. There was an abundance of women who wore all the wrong things, especially in a church.

In the spirit of Christmas, because I’m so generous, I’m GIVING you all some pointers on making your wardrobe church appropriate.

1. The girl in church who wore knee high boots? Yeah, those are cute, they’re definitely in style, especially in the cold weather. But try not to pair them with a skirt that is actually a TUBE TOP, because you weigh over 180 lbs, and the cottage cheese spilling out the bottom and top of your skirt? Is so not something I EVER want to see again, especially in the house of the Lord.

2. The woman who is 65 years old (I know, because you’re older than my own mother is) should probably get a reality check. You are no longer a teenage girl. Therefore, it’s not a good idea to wear Disney character baby tees with denim skirts and Vans sneakers to church. And shorten the length of your nails. I mean, how do you even wipe your own ass? The priest may be nice enough not to judge you, but God sees everything, honey. He may love you just the same, but even He wouldn’t like your outfit.

3. The girl who stared at me when I walked in the door, a.k.a., the village bicycle? Just because you’re skinny from all the coke you’ve snorted through the last decade, doesn’t entitle you to wear that outfit. Your pants were in style. In 2002. Rocket Dog sandals? I wore those in 2000 around ASU. No self-respecting girl should be caught dead in them now. 4 inches of foam on your feet, in winter, at CHURCH? Girl. You must be on drugs. And P.S.--nobody wants to see your bra straps hanging out, especially the priest.

Some ideas for church appropriate outfits? Just look at this photo of the ladies of Lipstick Jungle for inspiration. Jazz up a simple shift dress with pearls or pretty accessories, and you’ll be a big hit in church. Yes, Catholics believe in forgiving everybody and everything, (why do you think most of the Mafia is Catholic?) but I think they draw the line when you look like a dime store hooker during the church services. Jesus created your boobs, but He doesn’t need to see them on full display during the Mass.

I think I will forward this on to the Pope.
I feel like he would be proud of me for making this public service announcement.
After all, even the Pope wears Prada loafers.

The Sweetest Thing about Christmas is Friendship...


One of the best Christmas presents EVER: my long lost BFF, who had been estranged for about 5 months, text me this morning to wish me a Merry Christmas.

This is the longest period of time we've ever gone without speaking to each other.
Considering we've been inseparable and friends since we were about fifteen, I felt like part of me was missing all these months.

We are still Courtney and Christina in The Sweetest Thing, Amanda.


Merry Christmas, to my bestie, the girl who has made millions of memories with me through the years.

Love,
LC (your BFF)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A Tribute to Brittany


Brittany
Talented, young, pretty...
Your passing came much too soon,
but you remind those of us who are young and still full of life
To appreciate each and every day.
Rest in Peace.
xoxo,
LC

Friday, December 18, 2009

Are You There, Tiger? It's Me, LC


Dear Tiger Woods,

At this very moment, legions of angry women around the world want to burn you at the stake. Millions of women are praying for Elin, and simultaneously cursing the day you were born.

I’m not one of those women, Tiger.

Actually, I’m thinking more along the lines of the BILLIONS of men out there who are thinking, “Man, you really screwed up. Why didn’t you get a PREPAID phone, jackass?” Perhaps it’s because my best friend is a man, or maybe it’s because I grew up with boys. Whatever the reason, I don’t hate you for cheating, Tiger.

Instead, I have a few pieces of advice. Think of me as the little sister you never had. Tiger, you lucky bastard! Here it goes:

1. Next time you cheat (because let’s face it, you will) please hire a WOMAN as a personal assistant who is slick enough to arrange all of your “meetings” (a.k.a.: sex-capades) for you. Find yourself a “guy’s girl.” Not one of these pansy-ass chicks who have big mouths and sit around and gossip, bitch about their husbands, and finger-snap with their girlfriends while drinking some sissy ass martinis. Nope. Fuck that shit. You need to get yourself a girl who can manipulate the shit out of your wife, send her to Tupperware parties to get her out of your hair, and then schedule you in some side sex in between your time on the course and your next photo op. Get yourself a personal assistant who is smart enough to know how a woman’s mind works, but level-headed enough to know how to handle both the head on your shoulders, and the one in your pants. Actually, the woman you need to hire? Is ME. Hit me up, Tiger. I need a new job, with health benefits, thank you very much.

2. Keep all golf clubs hidden from the women who you are cheating on/with. I don’t give a shit what anyone in the media (or you, or Elin) claim, we all know that poor girl went off the deep end and started beating your ass with a club. Just thank your lucky stars you didn’t marry yourself a Mexican or Black girl. I think I speak for the collective whole when I say, us chicas of color? Would’ve torched your Escalade, with you in it. Has your half-black ass not seen Waiting to Exhale? What were you thinking? If you thought marrying a white girl was gonna make life easier, I have two words for you: Britney Spears. White girls have a thing for beating cars with umbrellas, golf clubs, you name it. Date a Mexican girl next time. We’re used to getting cheated on.

3. Raise the bar, Tiger. I know you lost your Dad, and out of grief, might have gone a little crazy. I know you were micromanaged your whole life. But that still gives you no excuse to cheat with girls who look like back alley hoes. Your mistresses? Not so hot, Tiger. I understand, you don’t care, as long as they have a vagina. But when you’re a billionaire, Tiger, I think you need to set your standards higher. Going back to me being hired as your assistant, I know plenty of sluts. I’d be happy to set you up. And the good thing is, not one of them is smart enough to even be able to READ a book, much less WRITE a book describing your affair.

4. Those pictures in your wallet? The ones cozied up next to the Magnums? Next time you want a quick piece of ass from some random hoe, pull out those pictures. Not for nothing, but nobody wants to grow up knowing their pops was once a big time puto. (That’s Spanish for whore, Tiger. Live it. Learn it.)

5. The rehab center you’re going to? Is in my home state. Big ups to AZ! Only a state with this many Republicans and Mormons would be the place to come “dry out” when you have a problem with sex addiction (which is a fancy-schmancy way of saying that you can’t keep your schlong in your pants.) If there’s one place that could put someone off sex, it would be Wickenburg.

On that note, I will wish you well, and hope that you can either fix whatever’s broken with your wife, or have an amicable divorce. (If such a thing exists.) Hey, try not to give your mother-in-law anymore heart attacks, okay? She’s from Sweden, those bitches can’t take shit like us American girls. They’re socialists, for Christ’s sake. We’re used to getting dicked over here in the states. Swedes? Not so much. Instead of boning everything with nail polish, try picking up a copy of New York Times, and you might learn about all of this, doll.

Best of luck to you, and hope to work for you sometime soon.

Sincerely,
LC

P.S.—As your future personal assistant, I will work tirelessly to make sure photos of you, like the one above, will never be released to the public. Because seriously? You look really constipated in this picture.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Under the Tuscan Sun


I absolutely love Italian food.
I love it even more when the ambience of the restaurant is just beautiful.
I love it perhaps even MORE when I am mad as hell at my lover, and want a meal that is so delicious, it takes my mind off of him.
And I love it most when the cute doctor sitting across from me at a table picks up the tab for my meal.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but hey, it was one hell of a dinner, compliments of Dr. McDreamy across from me, and I still walked out solo.

I also walked out reminded that I wouldn't have to dine alone by choice for the rest of my life, which is priceless.

To try this delicious restaurant for yourself, visit Brio Tuscan Grille at San Tan Village in Gilbert today. Whether dining alone or with someone special, the food is incredible, and the atmosphere is sensational.
www.brioitalian.com
Ste 118
2150 East Williams Field Road, Gilbert, AZ 85295-0730
(480) 917-9177

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Must Have DVD's for the Holiday Season


Movies make great Christmas presents. My family always loves when one of us receives movies as gifts, because then we sit around for the next few days,staying in warm from the cold, and watch movies in our PJ's and eat leftovers while we listen to my Mom bitch from the kitchen about how nobody helped her clean up wrapping paper and tinsel.

Some of the must-have DVD's out this month:

JULIE & JULIA: Love this movie, ordered it on Amazon.com right away, and cried when I finished reading the book. Amy Adams is fantastic in this movie, Meryl Streep is phenomenal (as always) and Stanley Tucci is so damn cute as her adoring husband, I'd give him a kiss on the cheek. (Okay, well maybe only after a few shots of Patron.)My sister-in-law loved the movie, and it will make you hungry, so be prepared to gain ten more pounds when you run out and buy the Julia Child cookbooks.



THE HANGOVER: Needless to say, I laughed until my abs were sore, and was all alone in the movie theatre (well, me and about one hundred strangers, anyway.) This movie will have you in stitches. You shouldn't watch it with the little ones (my family's very liberal and not into censorship, but we still wouldn't let kids under 12 or 13 watch it.) The guys in this film are absolutely hysterical, and you will wanna pop in the DVD over and over again. Makes a great gift for the guys on your list, too.



THE UGLY TRUTH: Buy it for all the single ladies in your life, the ones who are lookin for love in all the wrong places, the ones who practically sleep in the self-help and relationships aisle at Border's Books and Music. Hell, buy it and let your whole family watch and laugh their happy asses off the day after Christmas. Gerard Butler? Is strangely attractive in this movie, even when he acts like a douchebag.



Whatever movies you and yours watch this holiday season, I hope they bring you fits of laughter, lots to bond over, and that you can make many happy memories to remember for Christmases to come. That's what Christmas is all about.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dash vs. Disick



Does anyone ever wonder:
a.) who the f*#k is Scott Disick, anyway?
b.) what does he do for a living, besides piss off the Kardashian girls?
c.) how is he any different from all the other dickwads who cheat on their girlfriends and then get taken back with open arms when his main woman gets knocked up?
d.) does this poor guy not have any sisters? Because if it was my brother who was getting painted as this horrible, villainous, cheating monster on national television, you bet your sweet ass I’d be running to defend him. Especially because I think Khloe is bigger than Scott. And that? Is probably not so fair, Khlo.

Okay, maybe it’s just me.


Catch the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E! starting December 12th. I know I will be inviting my sister-in-law over for a girls night, complete with popcorn and wine, to listen to Kris get bitched at by Kim, see Bruce’s new face, and see how long it takes before someone on the show starts hating on Lamar Odom.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Confessions from THIS Shopaholic


"You know that feeling you get, when you see a cute guy, and your heart sort of feels like warm butter, sliding down hot toast? Well, that's how I feel when I walk into a store." --Isla Fisher, Confessions of a Shopaholic

I am having a Confessions of a Shopaholic moment.
I am paying all of my bills, you know, those dreaded statements that come in the mail every month, the ones you secretly hope get lost in the shuffle of the US Postal Service, but still manage to wind up waiting for you in your mailbox?

I hate 'em.
And I hate myself for being such a compulsive shopper.
Shopaholics Anonymous is not enough for me.

Considering I write a blog about shopping, and am in love with all things fashion and beauty, I seriously don't see myself entering some sort of shopper's rehab. After all, rehab is for quitters. Amy Winehouse said that, didn't she?
Okay, maybe there's a sign I need help.

My new year's resolution?
To tone down the shopping, save money for more important things (like a down payment on a home of my own, or paying off massive student loans, or starting my own businesses) and escape the credit card circus. I went from the ringmaster of this circus to the freakin circus clown.

And though I have some pretty rockin' shoes, gorgeous handbags, and a collection of dresses and jeans that are enviable to those on the outside, something inside me knows, it's time to call it quits, and learn how to control my shopping addiction.

If Isla Fisher could do it in Confessions of a Shopaholic, I can, too.

But I refuse to auction off all of my clothes.
Unless, push comes to shove, of course.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

An Apology to Audrina


Audrina is NOT my favorite star of The Hills, and I think we've all established that by now. I will give the shout outs to Kristin Cavallari, in all her bitchiness, long before I will ever give Audrina credit for anything.

But since one of the bad fashion faux pas I am guilty of committing is wearing shorts or skirts or dresses with my favorite pairs of Ugg boots, and since I've been rockin' this look since the before the inception of Uggs hitting mainstream America (you know, like circa, 2000, when I went off to college) I had to feature the Hills star on my blog, and an apology, as well:

Audrina, I know I can be bitchy in my criticism of your behavior on The Hills. I think you are clingy, needy, afraid to be alone (or without J Bob) and have low self-esteem. I don't know why, because you have dropped close to ten grand to buy a new set of breasts. Still, I'd like to make a mends, and say that if anybody is getting the okay to wear boots with shorts in winter, it's you. I will admit, though my tan probably puts yours to shame right now, your legs put my legs to shame. Go girl. Keep it up, and you just might win Justin Bobby back.

The Hills returns to MTV next season, but be sure and buy Season 5 on DVD today. I ordered mine from Amazon.com, and those speedy bastards delivered it promptly to my front door within two days. Amazon, you got it goin on. Love it.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Breakfast at Rihanna's


I wore about 6 strands of pearls today with my black shift dress which I purchased in an emergency at work at Walmart for $6.00. I polished off the look with a pair of black patent leather heels that are no less than 4" high, a cute headband, pearl and diamond earrings, and a very blingin' watch.

When I walked into work, with my Ray Bans on, I thought everyone would say I looked like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

The only one who said that was a coworker who is well into his sixties.

My kids? The students?

"Ms. C, you look like Rihanna today."

Considering I'd rather die than shave one half of my head in the name of style, that wasn't exactly the look I was going for, kids.

But since I love Rihanna and her unique sense of style, I figured I'd give props for this look. Only she could combine classy and chic layered strands of pearls, with a partially razored new 'do.

I'll stick to my Holly Golightly look, thank you very much.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

For The Hot Chick on Your Christmas List


The gift you must run out and buy your girlfriends for Christmas?

Yeah, it isn't the make your own martini kit you found at Target, or the pedicure foot bath bullshit you saw at Costco.

It's this fabulous little book, How to Love Like a Hot Chick, by Cerina Vincent and Jodi Lipper, which offers women amazing dating and relationship advice in a straightforward, no-nonsense format. You'll feel like you're talking with your girls over margaritas, except that these girls actually took their heads out of their asses and put their female intuition into practice.

You know what that is, ladies. It's the little voice inside your head that tells you he's a supreme douchebag, you know, that voice you oftentimes ignore, because you think he might change, or magically transform into a love God over night?

At any rate, buy your friends this book, change their dating lives, or hell, buy it for yourself. There are plenty of break-ups over the holiday season.

Personally, I believe the only chumps who would leave a girl alone on the holidays are scum sucking bottom feeders who deserve to be kicked in the balls.

But hey, that's just my opinion.

Buy a copy (or two, or ten) at Borders, Amazon.com, or Barnes and Noble today.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Peace, Love, & Domestic Bliss


Not that I would remember what domestic bliss necessarily feels like (my time at Mom's is probably driving her crazy, and I think me, moving out again is probably a great idea, considering I've overstayed my time here by about, oh, I don't know, say, a year?) but if I did have some vague recollection of what feeling all tranquil in your home would be like, I would imagine it would be a lot like the feelings conjured up after setting foot in downtown Mesa's most adorable boutique, Domestic Bliss.

A mix of home furnishings, accessories, clothing, and one-of-a-kind gifts and specialty items, Domestic Bliss will have you ooh-ing and ahh-ing left and right. You can not only deck your halls, you can deck yourself out with lovely accessories and ensembles.

Visit Domestic Bliss today, and make your own home a little more blissful. After all, home is where the heart is.

Even if you're arguing with your Mom while watching Oprah.

Domestic Bliss, 166 W Main Street #104, Mesa, AZ 85210 www.domesticblissdesign.com

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

It's a Lipstick Jungle Out There


The DVD set that is getting me through these cold, dreary winter nights where I have to snuggle up in bed surrounded by pillows and covered in five blankets is Lipstick Jungle, Season 2. I enjoyed Season 1 so much, I couldn’t wait to buy the 2nd season, and was elated when I found it for $4.99 on sale at Target, the day after Thanksgiving. One of the major reasons I am in love with this show (sadly, it was cancelled) is because of the clothes that Victory, Nico, and Wendy wear. Gorgeous, well-styled, head to toe, perfection.

Now if only they’d bring the show back to NBC. Brooke Shields needs work. The poor girl is advertising eyelash growth products, for crying out loud.

Buy your own DVD sets of the show today on Amazon.com, or at Target retailers nationwide.

Monday, November 30, 2009

All The Juicy Details


Dear Pam & Gela,

I just want to take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart for creating Juicy Couture, and taking your brand worldwide. Can I just say for the record, I was one of the first chicks out there to own the pants that proudly read, “Juicy” across my ass. And let me tell you, if you want some BIG advertising, it’s happening on my booty. Because this baby’s got back.

I also want to say that I admire your ingenuity, creativity, innovation, and your ability to stay true to your own sense of style and keep producing lines that are fun, sexy, and playful season after season. From my sassy little sundresses to my Juicy hoodies and pants that get me through the winter in style, you outfit me Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall in the crème de la crème.

I am even thrilled to pieces when I open a copy of one of my many fashion magazines and see your advertisements in all their perfect pastel glory.

My dream is to develop my own line and brand and take it worldwide, and with mentors like you, I can only hope that one day, I’ll at least have a small collection with my name on the label.

Although, if my name, or brand, was across somebody’s ass?

That would be the ultimate dream come true.

Thanks again, ladies, you are the epitome of successful, admirable women of style.

Yours in Fashion,
LC

To pick up your own Juicy Couture must-haves (every season of the year) visit www.juicycouture.com for stores near you. The one I frequent most is at Scottsdale Fashion Square, and of course, you can get Juicy apparel and shoes as well as fragrances and accessories at a Nordstrom near you.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Giving Thanks...


"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;his love endures forever."
Psalm 107:1


Things I'm Thankful For:-Family
-Friends
-Health
-Job
-Education
-Laughter

Those are the typical things everyone is thankful for. Here's an addendum to my list:
I am THANKFUL for:

-An Impeccable, Chic Sense of Style
-My Laptop: for all the hours I spend writing and blogging
-The Holy Trinity: Nordstrom, Neimans, and Bloomingdales
-That Sarah Palin did not get elected Vice President
-Wine
-My Treadmill, especially today, on the "fattest" holiday of the year.

Enjoy your day, friends and family, and remember what today is all about.

For the "Man's Man" this Christmas


In an attempt to solve all your gift-giving dilemmas this holiday season, I will feature items that I think would make great presents for all the people on your holiday shopping list, especially those challenging people who are always hard to buy for. One of those people is no doubt your brother. Or, your best guy friend. Or, the guy at work who not only listens to you bitch, but sometimes picks up the tab for the beer you drink at happy hour. And more than likely, your whiny ass owes him a damn good present.

The book you need to RUN to Barnes & Noble to purchase these guys is called, “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell,” and after reading an excerpt in the store, I bought it immediately. I was laughing until my abs hurt, and the writer is genius. Your buddies will love it, and will want to add the author to their list of friends to drink with.

The writer is a womanizing, game playing, lying, immature, irresponsible, borderline alcoholic with shaky morals. His saving grace is that he is, in fact, hysterically funny.

Hmm. Sounds like the guys I’ve spent the greater part of my twenties dating.

Pick up your copy of “I Hope They Serve Beer” today at Barnes and Noble, Amazon.com, or Borders, and give the men in your life another book to read, which no doubt will be sitting next to the Maxim and Playboys next to his toilet.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Time to be Thankful...


Angela (my teenage niece) and I went to see The Blind Side today, as our Thanksgiving Girls Day Out treat to ourselves. I was off of work today, so I picked her up after school and decided to take her shopping, to California Pizza Kitchen, and, of course, to the movies. One of the movies that was on our must-see list was The Blind Side, starring Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw (who is the sexiest man in country music, hands down. Faith Hill...get it, girl!)

The Blind Side is beyond inspirational and moving, and anyone with a heart will be touched in one way or another by the film. And though I loved Sandra's performance, and her character in the movie, one thing's for sure: whoever dressed her, picked a phenomenal watch to grace her tiny little wrists.

I've been lusting after this wrist watch for months: it is exactly what I'd like to wear to keep track of time, as it seems I need far more practice in this department, since I am eternally running late.



It is the object of my affection, and it's yours for the taking if you want to fork over $225. Which, in the larger scheme of things, is a small price to pay for a gorgeous new wrist watch. It's by Michael Kors, and is available at all Nordstrom stores and online at www.nordstrom.com.

Although after seeing what Michael Oher went through prior to finding this amazing family who helped transform his life (and he, theirs) you may put your priorities in order, and find yourself, as I did, grateful for what you already have...not only in your closet or jewelry box, but in your home, in the people you love, your friends, family, and most importantly, right inside your own heart.

That's something to be thankful for.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Lots of Pretty from The City


Whitney, I'm loving the fact that you're branching out on your own and starting your own line...not only do I usually love what you're wearing (there have been the occassional slip-ups in your fashion history, but hey, we've all been there once or twice) but I also love that you're actually a nice girl. And you were on The Hills, and The City. Which seems like a virtual miracle, considering most of the girls on those shows? Are either crybabies, or bitches.

To check out Whit's new line for yourself, visit her website: www.whitneyeve.com, and also, keep an eye out at Nordstrom locations, because I spotted a few pieces from her collection at Nordie's the other day and actually loved them, which is surprising, since I usually don't like clothing made my celebs. Whitney, again, you beat the odds, girlfriend.

Now if only you would someday stand up to Kelly Cutrone, and bitch slap her across the face when she goes all PMS on everyone.

That? Would be amazing.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Girl on Top


"In the fantasy of fashion, we want what's unattainable (both the body and the bag). In the world of career, it's all about supply and demand."
– Nicole Williams


For an entire week, I toted around this book in my purse, and every man who saw it would do a double take, because of the title. "Keep on staring, dude, the book is about conquering the work world, not your bedroom," I told one over-eager onlooker.

Still, one can't help but be attracted to the catchy title, and the way career expert Nicole Williams breaks down the world of work for women using classic dating advice straight out of dating how-to books like "The Rules." Think of this as your modern day "Rules," except, it applies to your career.

Since we spend nearly 70% (if not more) of our lives at work, ladies, it would benefit all of us if we start applying more attention to our professional lives as we do our personal lives. So many of us waste valuable time because we're unsure of how to get ahead, make that money, and use our talent to get what we want--but Nicole gives women so many pointers, advice, and wisdom that by the time you're done reading this handy-dandy little guide, you'll want to call her up and buy her a few rounds of cocktails. (And have her proofread your resume.)

Quit dropping dollars on shoes you'll only wear for one season and march your butt down to Barnes & Noble, where you can pick up a copy of Girl on Top today. Buy one for your BFF, too. She needs to think about her paychecks more than that guy she met on Facebook.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Personal Statements


Tell me THIS statement necklace doesn't scream, "Go big, or go home."

I'm loving it.
After all, that might as well be one of my mottos in life.

Check out this one at Saks Fifth Avenue, $850, from Vera Wang.
Because hey, if she ain't designing a wedding gown for you, you might as well treat yourself to some bling, because you don't have any on your left hand, honey.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Puttin on the Glitz


One of the best parts of the upcoming holiday season is the glitz and glitter…whether it’s in the giftwrap you use to envelop all your presents, or the bling on your Christmas tree. The most exciting part of the holidays (in my opinion, anyway) is the glamour reflected in the holiday clothing we all love to wear for our celebrations.

The trend of the moment that I’m loving right now (if anything, because it reminds me of the holidays, which are right around the corner) happens to be sequins. Whether in a pair of shoes, a sequin jacket, or even a cute clutch, sequins are popping up everywhere.

While I wouldn’t exactly recommend sequin overload (as you might end up looking like a cheap Vegas showgirl, or worse, a washed-up, has-been, elderly lady in a retirement village who now gets off on Friday night bingo with the gals) I would recommend a glitzy sequin blazer like Sienna Miller's. Because if anyone can get sequins right? It's Sienna.

Happy Holidays, Honey!

xo,
LC

Friday, November 20, 2009

Queen for a Day


“How do you want your hair to look, Lorraine?” my hot hairdresser asks me as he massages in volumizing product and leave-in conditioners, and as I inhale their aromatic loveliness. He hovers over me, since he is, after all, at least a whole foot taller than I am. As I look back at his reflection in the mirror, he is making faces at me in an attempt to make me laugh (as usual) and I say, “I just want full, pretty, sexy hair.” He laughs at me, because I sound ridiculous, probably, but also because he is an anomaly: a straight, good natured hairdresser with good looks to match, and as a man—he knows how to define sexy for himself. I don’t even need to explain to him what that would look like—he knows what wants sexy to look like. So sexy hair is exactly what I get—as he round brushes my hair, I notice he has sprayed something in my hair: the fragrance wafts through the air and I am intoxicated by the scent (about as intoxicated as I was in the shampoo bowls as I sat and had my hair shampooed and conditioned. If heaven is better than this, God is unbelievably good.)

When I say I want “sexy” hair, what I mean is, I want big, Bridgette Bardot-inspired hair; hair that is reminiscent of the same sexy film siren people have used as a fashion muse for decades. I'm talking about hair that attracts attention, hair that stops traffic, hair that looks one part naughty and one part lovely; hair that prompts men to think of thoughts like Victoria’s Secret lingerie catalogs, sex hair, and hair you want to run your fingers through (or whatever your heart desires.)



As my hairdresser finishes drying my hair, I open my eyes to see a new and improved LC. I have better-than-sex hair, thanks to my new volumizer by TIGI, Queen for a Day, which, after sprayed through my strands, plumps up my hair and gives me the same Bridgette Bardot hair that has been the fantasy of men for generation after generation. I am now confident, polished, and ready to hit the pavement in 4 inch heels and enviable locks. One stylist, blow dryer, TIGI Queen for a Day, and a round brush later, I am transformed; I have swag in my step. There’s nothing sexier than that.

To purchase "Queen for a Day" from TIGI, or for sexy hair of your own, visit San Tan Village Toni & Guy (all of their stylists are amazing, but my family sees Crystal, Dani, Megan, and Lethan.) You can buy products from the entire TIGI collection there, and they have just about the friendliest staff in town. To make an appointment, call: 480-812-1955.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Tick, Tock, it's my Biological Clock


This photo?
Makes me want to have a baby.

And though I'm not a huge Katie Holmes fan, seeing her with Suri makes my biological clock sound like it's an alarm going off in my ear. Blaring.

I'm turning 28 this year. I thought I'd be a Mom by now. And though I don't believe in rushing things, and I buy into the philosophy that everything happens when it's supposed to, I also know I don't want to be a 45 year old chasing after toddlers.

Then again, I also don't want to be married to a 50 year old Scientologist who jumps on Oprah's couches. Tom, get it together, buddy.

So I guess I'll continue to live the life of a childless woman, and hope that one day, I'll have a baby (hopefully a little girl!) of my own.

While I won't let my daughter drink Starbucks and wear high heels at 3 years old, I will make sure we are the cutest mother-daughter duo in town.

That's a given.

xoxo

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Fake Baking in the Dead of Winter


“You’re starting to get pretty…light,” one of my guy friends told me a few weeks ago when he glanced down at my bare legs. I was wearing a pencil skirt at work, and as I looked down, I understood what he was talking about.

Through the winter months, I’m obviously not laying out on the beach, or in my Mom’s front yard, or at the lake, while under the influence of vodka, and so my legs tend to get pretty pale. In fact, my body gets much more pale than my usually bronzed skin.

When I was a kid, I was dark and skinny. I was awkward, at best. The other girls in my family were light complected. My mother had a light complexion, and my Dad, a farmer’s tan. I was teased relentlessly. “You’re adopted,” my brother told me once. “Mom and Dad found you on the side of the road, driving through the reservation.” In hindsight, that wasn’t so politically correct of my brother (or biologically accurate, considering I look JUST like our father) but hey, he’s related to ME, what the hell can you expect?

These days, I sometimes rely on the help of my tanning professionals to get my skin looking like I just flew in from San Tropez, and there is no shame in my game. Although I’m naturally brown, obviously I need help, just like most of us do, and even though skin cancer is scary, an occasional tan (or spray tan) is something I enjoy and indulge in.

My tanning salon pick for best service, prices, and results is Sunchain Tanning—specifically, the one on Southern and Power in Mesa, Arizona. The customer service is exceptional, the prices are reasonable, and you’ll be a bronzed goddess in no time flat. Check them out for yourself, and visit my favorite location today.

Power & Southern
1155 South Power Rd. #108
Mesa, AZ 85206

p: 480-654-1220
emmgr@sunchain.com

Stripped


One of the best classes I took in 2009 was a pole dancing class, offered through Express MIE in Tempe. Not only did I learn how to dance on a pole like a stripper (something I would never do for cash, since I happen to actually love and respect my father) (not to mention, my preoccupation and anxiety over my cellulite would keep me off the pole, thank you very much) but I also learned how to give a lap dance, and do a floor dance. While some critics may think this is too "risque," I found it liberating and sexy, and I'm sure plenty of gentlemen would, too--so ladies, if you're looking to spice up your personal life, or create some magic in a boring bedroom, have a pole installed at home, take the classes at Express MIE and slip into that lingerie, because things are going to get a whole lot hotter in 2010.

Call to join a class for yourself today, and meet the wonderful, inspiring staff at Express MIE, on Warner and McClintock in Tempe, next to Trader Joe's. You'll be glad you took this class, or any other challenging but fun exercise/dance classes. And on a side note, the owner of the studio is a totally inspirational woman...you'll see for yourself. Call today!

Express MIE 6448 S McClintock Tempe, AZ 85283 (480) 626-5973
www.expressmie.com

Glamour Girls


If there's one place you should ditch the afternoon at work for (even in this troubling economy) it would be Glam Lounge, in Scottsdale.

Not only is Glam Lounge a "beauty apothecary" carrying the best of the best when it comes to beauty, skin care, and bath products, it is also a spa, where clients are treated like beauty royalty and pampered with the ultimate attention from experienced beauty babes with impressive resumes. Tucked away in the heart of Scottsdale, close to hotels like The W and The Mondrian, you can treat yourself to products from lines like DDF, Kevyn Aucoin, Becca, and Sonya Dakar. I'm anxious to get my manicured hands on Bella Mama products, which are pure essential oils and products for moms and moms to be, because even if I'm not preggers, there are many expectant mothers in my life right now, and Bella Mama would make the perfect gifts.

You can also get lash extensions, treat yourself to facials, have your teen take makeup application lessons, and get pampered if you are a blushing bride.

Take the afternoon off, ladies! Tell your boss LC said it was a must. Head over to Glam Lounge, and pump some much needed money into the economy. Do your part to end the recession, and get beautiful at the same time.

To visit Glam Lounge, or for more information: www.glamlounge.net
Glam Lounge is located at:
4228 N Craftsman Ct #2 Scottsdale Arizona 85251 | 480 945 1760

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Trump Card


While on medical leave, I had loads of time to read, so I devoured several books during this time off. Of course, I'm probably not the best literary critic in the world, only because I was drugged up on cocktails of morphine, Vicodin, and Oxycontin. (All you pill poppers, please refrain from calling me and trying to hit me up for drugs. If you know me well enough to ask me for prescription pain pills, you should know me well enough to know I polished off those bottles all by my damn self.)

Nevertheless, I did read several motivational books, and one book was Ivanka Trump's book, "The Trump Card." While Ivanka clearly has had many advantages those of us normal people haven't had, she does have some pretty insightful business and work advice to offer to those of us who didn't attend Wharton Business School, and those of us who will likely never golf at Mar-A-Lago.

The Donald's little princess just got married, as well, and she's designed her own jewelry collection. This girl had a stellar year. My past year, in review, was pretty shitty. I figure I have everything to learn from the Trumps about making money and somehow bailing your ass out of debt, considering Donald nearly filed for bankruptcy on several occassions.

Pick up your own copy of Ivanka's book today at Barnes and Noble stores everywhere, and get advice on taking your career, business, or personal life to the next level.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

LC's Better-Than-Sex List

So, my girlfriends & I have been discussing the drought we're experiencing lately.

And while we're all super concerned about H20, the environment, and all the same shit Al Gore worries about, too; we're more concerned about the MAN drought we're going through in our own wretched lives.

Even though we may have men in our lives, they're giving us dry spells.

Al Gore may not understand this.
Bill Clinton? Bill might. He is married to Hillary, after all.
I would imagine she withholds sex from him, too.
Which would explain the Lewinsky debaucle.

But I digress.


In an attempt to find suitable substitutes for the lack of lovin' we're all going through at the moment, I've compiled a list of options for things I would consider to be "Better Than Sex."

Numero Uno:
Sprinkles Cupcakes.
One bite= pure, unadulterated sugar fix, right in the heart of Scottsdale.
Put down that porn, and run out to Sprinkles, instead:
4501 N. Scottsdale Road, at Scottsdale and Camelback. Call 480-970-4321 for details.


Numero Dos:
Chambord Margaritas.
Found at: Z Tejas (my fave is the one off the I-10 & Ray Rd in Ahwautukee.)
Whoa, buddy. Let me tell you, when they give you a limit on how many you can drink--there is a reason.
Come to think of it, these might be better than sex, but if you drink past your limit, they might also LEAD to sex.
But hey, two birds, one stone, right?
www.ztejas.com


Numero Tres:
Breakfast at TC Eggington's.
No doubt, one of my favorite guilty pleasures, right in the heart of Mesa, located on Alma School, just off the US 60. The staff is bright, friendly, personable, and although I don't think there's anything too sexy about the place, the food sure as hell IS sexy. My favorite is French Toast, which is an inch-thick slice of sweet cinnamon bread dipped in batter. Heaven on freakin' earth.
www.tcegg.com or 480-345-9288 (for more information)



If there is a lover in your life, the surefire way to get them to end your drought is to show them this list of alternatives you've found. Perhaps they will find a way to satisfy your needs, end this pathetic drought (which, let's face it, isn't really good for ANYONE'S "environment") and take you out for quality meals, desserts, and drinks that will make anyone want to scream with pleasure.

Although the establishments? Might look down on that just a little.

Get your kicks where you can, friends, and check out the places that top LC'S Better-Than-Sex List Today.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

A Real Bombshell


There are three things about me that have not changed since the 7th grade:

1. My inability to shut the f*#k up when it’s inappropriate to speak.
2. My height: I will be 5’2 for the rest of my life. I was destined to be a short little girl forever. Hence, the massive collection of stilettos in my closets.
3. My bra size: I think this is directly linked to the fact that, in 7th grade, I made fun of my best friend for having AA boobs. “Why do you even NEED a bra? I’m the one who has B, almost C cup breasts, at 13 years of age!”

For any teenage adolescent bitches out there who want to get on their high horse and ride that bitch into the sunset, beware: that little, snide comment not only made my best friend feel bad until she magically bloomed into a B cup over the summer, it no doubt brought me the worst karma ever in the boobs department.

I got stuck with B or C cup boobs for the longest time.

However, when I walk into Victoria’s Secret, the friendly sales girls always reassure me that my “girls” are, actually, a 36C. Most women would cringe in embarrassment to declare their cup size on a public website. Well, if you know me well enough, not much embarrasses me. (Which no doubt is making my mother cringe in embarrassment right now.)

36C isn’t so bad, right? Well, I don’t think so. During the summer months, I can get away with wearing cutesy little sundresses without a bra. The guy I was going on fun little dates with this summer once spent about an hour or so staring right at my chest as we played pool. I think he forgot the rules of the game because of my deep-V sundress. I don’t think he cared that I had gone without a bra, in fact, I think he preferred it that way.

There are definite advantages to being a small cup size, but no matter what, we all have “grass is greener” syndrome at least a time or two in our lives.

Which is why, over the summer, I found myself in the offices of a plastic surgeon in Scottsdale, asking myself, should I increase my cup size to a D? DD? Or should I keep them all natural?

Victoria’s Secret came up with the new Miraculous collection of bras, appropriately titled, the ‘Bombshell’ bra. This bra promises to increase your size by two cup sizes. I didn’t believe all the hype, and was leery about the whole “memory foam” concept, so I thought I’d test it out for all of you shoppers in cyberspace.

When I was in the fitting room, I asked the sales girl “What happens when the guy takes it off, and that bad boy hits the floor? You think he’s not gonna hear the sound of 2 lbs of memory foam hitting the tile floor?”

She said, “Honey, after he stares at your chest the entire night and fantasizes about taking the damn thing off, I don’t think he’s frankly going to give a shit about what’s hitting the floor.”

Good point.

Still, I felt it was false advertising. I bought it anyway. I wore it to the post office on my first journey out of the house after being on medical leave for almost a month. I ran into a friend of my mother’s. She stared at my chest for about 5 minutes, while having an important conversation with me. She was telling me about the mastectomy she was going to be having in a few days.

It could not have been shittier timing.

I then went over to my sister-in-law’s for a glass of wine.

“Oh my God,” she said as she opened the door. “Your boobs are freakin’ HUGE!” “But hey, your waist looks really tiny.”

Okay, it worked. Case closed.



Although I bought the bra, increased my cup size, and managed to draw quite a bit of focus to my upper body, I realized something: I am much more comfortable in regular, thinly padded bras. Although having a little extra “oomph” up top is nice, and although it’s interesting to see what you might look like if you had your breasts implanted with silicone, I think I’m quite happy with the perky boobs I’ve had since the 7th grade. I didn’t need $5000 surgery, or even a $50 bra, to make me satisfied with “the twins.” That appreciation had to come from within myself.

And to my adolescent best friend, who I so callously and insensitively teased over 15 years ago: trust me, boobs? They’re kinda overrated. Sure, they serve a purpose, and they’re nice to have, and cleavage? Hey, it can get you quicker service and sometimes even a round of drinks.

But in the end, your own breasts, whether nestled in the cups of a memory-foam filled brassiere, or liberated in a slinky cotton sundress like LC in the summertime, are always your best bet.

To purchase the Victoria's Secret Miraculous Bombshell Bra for yourself today, order online at www.victoriassecret.com, or at your nearest store. For a bra like this, I'd recommend trying it in the store before you buy it, and also getting fitted by a bra specialist first. This way, you'll know all your options before buying. Which, when it comes to your breasts, should always be a rule of thumb no matter what you're doing to enhance your "girls."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Cobain & Cardigans


There was always something sultry, sexy, and seductive about Kurt Cobain. Maybe its my love for boys that are a little rough around the edges, guys who look like they don't give a shit, but still have that doe-eyed, sensual look in their eyes; the look that says, "I will sing you to sleep while we listen to music," which is also the same look that says, "I will take you in the closet when my parents are in the next room, and have my way with you."

It is those boys who always race through my head every time I have ever contemplated marriage. Or monogamy, for that matter. Those are the ones who make it hard to say goodbye to being single.

One thing about boys like Kurt are that they do what they want to do. They don't care about who says something's "in" and they're not exactly sitting front and center at New York Fashion Week. Yet, they are still influential in the fashion world. Something about their laissez faire attitude makes us ladies want to jump their bones. Something about their stringy hair and Goodwill clothes makes us want to grab their scruffy faces and kiss them with force.

The cardigan has been a mainstay in the fashion world for generations; it's always a classic piece every woman, from the cutesy little secretaries in pencil skirts to the grunge chicks in ripped jeans, needs to invest in. It's a wardrobe staple for men, too. Kurt Cobain, in all his grunge gorgeousness, no doubt played a part in this during his lifetime.



I have so many cardigans in my closet, that one day, after hanging up another cardigan that I had purchased to match a pretty floral print dress, my brother said, "Lorraine, who are you, Mr. Rogers? You have a different sweater every time you come home!"

I'm fairly certain that Kurt Cobain wasn't asking people "Won't you be my neighbor?" and his whole cardigan trend-setting was SO not intentional, but his influence still echoes in the fashion world today.


Check out my favorite cardigan pick of the season, which may be a little above some price points, but is still cozy, chic, and classic...and cashmere, which is the best part of all. Pair it with your jeans, pair it with leggings and boots, or a lightweight dress, tights, and knee high boots, and you'll be attracting brooding boys like Kurt to your front doorstep with the snap of your fingers. This sweater is at J.Crew, and you can also buy it online, and it's yours for $168. It's Italian cashmere, and just to die. Not to mention, you'll get free shipping if you order online today.

The warm, cozy knits will keep you from getting chilled outdoors, and will carry you through the rainy Spring weather...or, if you're hittin the rainy streets of Seattle, for example.

Kurt...you are still my definition of nirvana...and you still haunt my dreams (though generally, they're pretty racy dreams. Courtney Love would be jealous.)